Club Ed
by Legacy of the Phoenix
Summary: After so many failures, the Eds have finally succeeded at a money-making venture and reaped the rewards of it. Satisfied, they retired from scamming and restarted Club Ed to celebrate. Ed Edd n Eddy created by Danny Antonucci.


At **Edd's House** , the Eds sit at the picnic table and sip sweet tea as they await something. Or someone...

"Believe me, fellows." Edd explains. "The fruits from this labor will be as sweet and succulent as the unattainable jawbreakers we so consistently crave."

"Big deal!" Eddy pouts. "Every time we get _close_ to rollin' in dough or gettin' jawbreakers, either the Kankers wreck it! Shovelchin wrecks it! Stupid Sarah wrecks it! Or monobrow here wrecks it…like he did earlier!"

"Early to bed, early to wake, Eddy!" Ed chuckles, oblivious to Eddy's anger.

"Calm down, Eddy." Edd insists, "Once we undergo this venture, I guarantee, we will walk away with not only sufficient currency and delectable round treats, but also wisdom. Wisdom on how to handle most situations without resorting to underhanded tactics or… _ahem_ …anger-filled decision-making. Yes, indeedy!"

HONK! HONK!

"Ah! That is our ride, gentlemen. Shall we?" Edd leads his friends into the house.

"Yeah, why not?" Eddy shrugs; not very confident about this next venture.

"Because the apple said so, Eddy!" Ed replies.

"Shut up, Ed." Eddy retorts.

* * *

One week later, the children of the cul-de-sac have rather enjoyed the Eds not being around…for a short while. Two days in, they love it. Bask in it. Gloat about it. Even wish that it stays that way…for good. However, halfway into the third day, Nazz, Rolf, Jonny, and even Jimmy start to show regrets and express this amongst the others in the cul-de-sac.

"Déjà vu." Kevin rolls his eyes; recalling a similar situation back in **See no Ed**.

"Oh, brother." Sarah does the same. "Only one I'd even _think_ about caring to see again is Double D."

"Like, we were pretty mad that time, but it's over." Nazz points out. "I really hope they're all right. And how is it you don't know where they are? Ed didn't say anything?"

"Maybe." Sarah replies unconcerned.

"Those guys aren't perfect, but they have more fun than flies on a donut." Jonny adds.

"Rolf again feels guilt over the absent Ed boys." Rolf point his finger upwards. "Perhaps he overdid his wrath for the alley scram, yes?"

"It's _scam_ , Rolf." Kevin corrects. "And no, you didn't. Those dorks, like usual, got what they deserved. Them not bein' around is them finally thinkin' about what's gonna happen next time they do somethin' messed up. Besides-"

"I confess!" Jimmy interrupts. "I never wanted the Eds to disappear. Just for them to stop ruining things. Could they be-"

"Heck no, Jimmy." Sarah comforts him as usual. "None of us, not even Kevin, want 'em dead. Come on."

"For real, Fluffy. _We're_ not the bad guys here." Kevin adds. "Let 'em stay in their-."

"Hey, where's Plank?" Jonny realizes that Plank is no longer in his hand.

"See? What'd I tell ya?" Kevin points out. "The Eds are bad habits. Let's go teach 'em another lesson."

"I get first crack at Ed." Sarah pulls up her sleeve.

"What makes you think they took Plank?" Nazz asks.

"They wiped off his mouth and tied up Jonny." Kevin recalls. "They're all out of lows, Nazz."

For at least an hour, the kids trek the neighborhood in search of The Eds, Kevin and Sarah believing they have taken Plank while everyone else, including Jonny, are doubtful. They do not find the boys. Or the board. Until,

"Plank!" Jonny eventually finds Plank in **The Lane** ; the latter is in possession of a plate full of cookies and a card, which does not go unnoticed by the former. "What'cha got there, buddy?"

"Jonny the wood boy. You have unearthed…" Rolf and the others find Jonny.

"Shush." Jonny shushes.

"Ooh, cookies!" Jimmy notices the plate.

Jonny politely points his finger up as he "listens" to Plank, "No way! Really! They are? This time for real? Heck yeah, I'll tell them!"

"What gives, Jonny?" Kevin asks.

"Plank says he saw the Eds…" Jonny begins.

"Hah! I knew it! Where are-?!" Kevin haughtily interrupts.

"No, listen!" Jonny holds his hands up. "Plank says The Eds didn't take him. _He_ came to _them."_

* * *

Where **Club Kanker** used to be, a larger, more expertly built **Club Ed** sits in its place. Inside is makeshift furniture like a bar table-like appliance, a couple of sofas, a television, an office room way in the back, a big table that is also in the back, and stairs to another room. The Eds, all wearing Aloha attire synonymous with their typical color schemes, relax as they watch television. While on commercial,

"Y'know, when I said I wanted to retire, I wasn't really serious." Eddy thinks back; very relaxed. "Now, we got lots of time."

"Not to mention much currency." Edd points out. "Acquiring school supplies will be…"

"Don't remind me." Eddy sighs content.

"My underwear is as relaxed as I am, guys." Ed randomly speaks up; earning him looks of disgust from Edd and Eddy.

"Hmm?" The Eds notice knocking at the floor hatch.

Before long, the cul-de-sac kids are inside the clubhouse and look around it in awe. Even Kevin and Sarah. However, they refuse to admit it and retain their earlier premeditated disgust for The Eds.

"No way! A VIP room?" Nazz exclaims, having asked Eddy about what is upstairs.

"With a vault." Eddy smugly snaps his finger.

"So, what'd you do to get this made?" Kevin cynically guesses, "Painted trash gold and sold it to your fellow losers?"

"As a matter of fact, Kevin, we…" Edd begins politely.

Eddy interrupts, "We took a trip to Double D's old town, met with his aunt, sold some things, and came back loaded. That's all you need to know."

"Yeah, I bet-" Kevin disbelieves.

"Rolf wishes to invest in this job you have commuted to, yes?" Rolf requests.

"Yeah, like, can I join this club? Or whatever you're doing?" Nazz asks sweetly.

"I want cookies, too!" Jonny raises his hand.

"Do you guys want quarters?" Jimmy takes out 75 cents and tries to hand it to Eddy.

"Save your change, Curly-Q." Eddy proudly announces, "We don't do that sort of thing anymore."

The cul-de-sac kids, even Kevin and Sarah, gasp in surprise.

"Nah. Turns out, it wasn't where the moolah really was. Now we got enough to pay Kevin to have head-reshaping surgery." Eddy adds; earning a laugh from all but Kevin himself.

"What about neck-growin'-" Kevin starts to retort.

"So, if you wanna join, you don't gotta pay a fee." Eddy addresses Nazz, Rolf, Jimmy, and Jonny. He then spins around and suddenly changes into a fancy suit; a wolf-whistle effect can be heard in the background. "You just gotta do us a favor. Like Plank did."

"What'd you do again?" Jonny asks Plank. "Really? That's all? Then, count me in!"

"The assignment that you will receive will be different from Plank's, Jonny." Edd explains. "But, it will be well within your abilities."

"So, what do we have to do, Eddy?" Nazz asks eagerly.

"Nazz, don't do anything for The Dorkfather." Kevin insists. "He's just gonna-"

"Done! I'll be right back!" Ignoring Kevin, Nazz eagerly leaves the clubhouse to do whatever job Eddy tasked her with.

"You already joined, Plank! I'm a lone wolf on this one! Whoo-hoo-hoo!" Jonny, without Plank, follows suit.

"I'll make you proud, Eddy!" Jimmy declares, but carefully climbs down the hatch.

"As will Rolf, he-who-dresses-in-colorful-tornados Ed boy!" Rolf leaps down.

"I ain't falling for what you're up to!" Kevin declares; Sarah folds her arms.

"Then fall out of the tree, boxhead." Eddy scoffs. "No one's makin' you stay."

"Whatever!" Kevin rolls his eyes and leaves down the hatch; leaving only Sarah.

"Ed!" Sarah shouts to her brother. "Give me a plate of cookies and a membership card!"

"No can do, baby sister!" Ed denies her. "Ed must get favor first!"

Sarah yanks Ed over to her and raises her fist, "The favor is that I don't make you dog meat and then tell Mom that _you_ said _that_ to me!"

"Please!" Ed, to the shock of only Sarah herself, knocks his sister off of him; being completely unafraid of her now.

"What? You!" Sarah turns red and snorts steam before she lunges at him!

"Down the hatch!" An unfazed Ed grabs Sarah in mid-air, swings her around once, and throws her down the clubhouse hatch.

CRASH! Sarah hits the ground; the background sound-effect of cups clattering can be heard.

"Goodness." Edd exclaims; genuinely wondering if Sarah is all right.

" _Down the hatch_? Nice one, Ed." Eddy taps Ed on the back.

"And now to have cookies and milk to go with cookies and milk!" Ed walks over to the bar table.

"It seems the counsel my uncle has given Ed concerning his fear for Sarah has paid off." Edd realizes.

"Yeah." Eddy chuckles. "Who'd thought he had a frog-mouthed sister, too?"

"Ahem." Edd, offended, bypasses the comment and offers, "But unfortunately, this doesn't change Sarah's habitual tendency to inform hers and Ed's mother of-"

"Exactly, why do ya think I gave Jonny the job I did?" Eddy smiles arrogantly. "Gotta hand it to ya, Double D. That advice ya gave about bein' smart and calm enough to deal with windbags like Kevin and Sarah was super-sweet. Now, we just gotta wait til' they're super-desperate. Beggin' us to join just like we had to with that stupid rich club they thought up. And when they're kissin' our feet, we'll give 'em the worst kind of favor."

Edd pulls down his hat; ashamed of Eddy's scheming ways even though they exist in another capacity.

* * *

For much of the summer, The Eds and their four new members enjoy the benefits of club life while Kevin and Sarah try their own fun; the former due to his stubborn pride and the latter due to her begrudging demeanor at, for once, being rejected by her mother when she tried to tell her that Ed denied her club membership and threw her out of the tree.

The Eds, Nazz, Jonny, Rolf, and Jimmy ride the _RMS EDTANIC_ , a well-built, makeshift cruise-liner, on the creek and enjoy themselves on deck. Ed spins on his head atop the deck. Edd reads a book called _Life at Sea_. Eddy plays shuffleboard with himself, running across the deck to intercept himself as if he is a second player. Nazz tans in her bikini. Jonny stands at the tip of the ship with his arms stretched and Plank in hand, feeling the wind as it passes. Rolf dances to the tunes on the music playing. Jimmy merely sits on the deck and eats a bowl of ice cream.

* * *

Kevin swims alone at **The Swimming Hole**. When he takes a break, he lays under the shade of the cliff and eats some chips as he drinks some soda and listens to his boom box. But he finds little joy in this. Even when he takes out a Bikini Babes magazine.

* * *

The Eds and their club-members are enjoying themselves at a well-built, makeshift carnival where **The Construction Site** is. It is also populated by cardboard people. Jonny (with Plank) is on the Ferris Wheel. Jimmy is on the merry-go-round. At the hotdog stand, which has a recreational machine that prepares hotdogs, Rolf takes the meat off of the buns of many hotdogs and eats them before he loses patience and simply dives into the stand and begins eating them. Edd plays an unsuccessful game of ring toss. Eddy plays a barely successful game of high-striker. Nazz plays a game called _Dump the Lump_ , which features Ed in a makeshift water tank next to a target. Nazz hits the target and dunks Ed, who greatly enjoys it. A robotic hand gives her a giant Teddy-Bear prize. She and the other two Eds get zany eye circles when they see Ed bust through the water tank and dash towards a cotton candy cart, eating most of it.

* * *

In her room, Sarah plays with her dolls next to a picture of Jimmy, but is clearly not having any fun at all.

* * *

The Eds and their club members trek through **The Woods** on a makeshift robotic elephant, pretending it is a jungle. Along the way, they see recreational robotic versions of apes, lions, deer, and bears. Eddy, Ed, and Rolf show interest in the staged animal violence, but Jimmy hides behind Ed while Edd and Nazz merely roll their eyes and smile. Jonny jumps down from a tree with a Tarzan-like outfit and eats a banana, causing the others to stare at him.

* * *

Kevin does several seemingly impossible tricks with his bike on a makeshift ramp. He looks around to see if anybody saw, but quickly realizes that no one did.

* * *

One night, Sarah knocks on Jimmy's door. It opens and a silhouetted female figure turns her head to confirm that Jimmy is not home.

* * *

That same night, the various mountains of scrap and trash in **The Junkyard** have been reshaped into a "haunted ghost town". As the Eds sit atop the makeshift tour bus, they watch as Jimmy scurries hysterically out of the "haunted school". They watch as Nazz run out of the saloon while laughing. They watch as Jonny runs out of the bank while screaming hysterically. Rolf merely emerges from a wagon as he yawns in exhaustion.

* * *

The following morning, The Eds are up bright and early at Club Ed. Eddy is getting soda from the makeshift bar. Edd sits at the table as he reads a book titled, _Innovative Ideas for the Retired_. Ed sits on a couch as he watches a monster movie and eats popcorn. They cease activity when a desperate-faced Kevin and Sarah arrive to speak with them.

Eddy smugly gloats, "Crawlin' back!"

"Just tell us the stupid favor, fishface." Sarah pouts.

"Oh, I'll tell ya, all right." Eddy rubs his hands together. "I'll also tell ya you ain't gonna like it."

"Like it!" Ed burps.

"Eddy, I honestly…" Edd begins.

"Pipe it, Sockhead." Eddy demands. "These two are late entries."

* * *

Kevin and Sarah reluctantly fulfill the favor Eddy wants: to go to **Park n Flush** and beat up the Kankers to send a message about not trying to ruin the Eds' retirement or reconvert Club Ed into Club Kanker.

"This bites!" Kevin pulls his sleeves up.

"It's about to." Sarah throws a wrench through the Kankers' window.

"A monkey wrench!" May snorts from inside the trailer.

"Socket wrench, idiot!" Marie slams May inside the trailer.

"Who cares?! Let's get who threw it!" Lee demands.

The sisters burst out of their trailer door and gaze right at Kevin and Sarah, who attempt to hide their fear with a tough front. The Kankers tackle them both to the ground; stars and random objects appear on impact.

* * *

Later that same day,

"Welcome to Club Ed." Edd gives membership cards and two plates of cookies to a heavily battered and bruised Kevin and Sarah, who take the cards and chow down on the cookies at the big table.

"Awesome, Kev! You changed your mind." Nazz massages Kevin's shoulder.

"Now we can go to the carnival together, Sarah." Jimmy massages Sarah's shoulder.

"Rolf wishes to show you his ability to wrestle the beasts of the jungle, yes?" Rolf tells Kevin.

"You're right." Jonny tells Plank. "Things did feel weird without Sarah calling me "baldy"."

"Hello, baldy!" Ed repeatedly taps Jonny on the top of his head until the latter falls partially through the floor. "Oops."

"Ed!" Eddy barks.


End file.
